


write me an epilogue.

by midnight_files



Category: NCT (Band), NCT Dream
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Pining, i just needed filler characters...
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-01-11
Packaged: 2021-02-19 15:47:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22213351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnight_files/pseuds/midnight_files
Summary: renjun remembers their story.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin
Kudos: 25





	write me an epilogue.

**Author's Note:**

> TW: implications of mental health issues.

The first time Renjun had laid eyes on Jaemin was during their senior year of highschool. They’d been placed in the same homeroom and had their eyes set on the same goal: to be the representative for student government. Out of all 26 kids in the classroom, the two of them were the only ones to raise their hands for the position and thus marked the start of their story together. 

Luck made it so that they shared lunch periods that year and so that day, after acknowledging their rivalry, Jaemin had approached his isolated corner at the back of the cafeteria, right by the exit, to propose an offer. “How about we ask Mr.Kim if we can split the position? You go to half the meetings and I’ll go to the other half.”

Renjun had never been big on conversations. When he was around seven years old, his mother and him had moved to Korea because of a work promotion she’d acquired and Renjun, lacking confidence in speaking a foreign language, only ever spoke to people if it was necessary. The insecurities and reclusive traits followed him through the years and showed no signs of ever leaving.

“Scared you’ll lose to me?” Was what he’d responded with. It was meant to be a light-hearted joke and he was going to accept the deal afterwards, but his facial expression remained stoic and Jaemin seemed to have taken it the wrong way, for his charismatic smile faltered and something else ignited in those captivating irises Renjun had found himself staring into.

“You’re on.”

  
  
  


From then on, going to school itself had become a living hell. Meetings with his opponent were scarce and brief, but dreadful regardless. Whether it be tossing a brutally honest remark in his direction or tossing physical objects ‘playfully’, Jaemin knew each of Renjun’s buttons and how to press them and for some time, Renjun believes, he might’ve genuinely despised him.

Until it became painfully obvious that he didn’t anymore and that the teasing had become something he’d looked forward to because despite the harshness of it all, Jaemin  _ knew _ him. He could read through the fake smiles and the tiring optimistic facade that Renjun had spent years perfecting. Avoiding ‘friendly’ punches and catching things thrown at him without warning became easier and Renjun could tell it had begun to grow on Jaemin’s nerves.

And he thinks, a lot like how Jaemin had somehow pried his way into his life, Renjun had done the same to him because a few days after, Renjun would get into a conflict that would embarrass him for days to come and Jaemin’s involvement on his behalf, though miniscule, was enough to give away his acknowledgement of their… whatever it was that they had.

  
  
  


Out of all the people in their homeroom, Renjun really only had one friend he could fall back on without fear of him not being there to catch him: Jeno. They’d only started becoming friends during the start of highschool, when Jeno had found him helplessly wandering the gigantic library. After a while, they’d grown attached to the hip. Anywhere Jeno was, Renjun would be, and vise versa. Late nights would be filled with gossiping about highschool drama and secrets didn’t exist between the two of them.

Therefore, Jeno had been the first one he’d turned to when he’d received unwanted affection from one of the underclassmen who’d transferred that year. Chenle, who Renjun had to guide the first few weeks since he was the only honor student fluent in Chinese, had grown quite dependent on the older and despite Renjun’s several attempts to brush him off, Chenle’s infatuation only seemed to grow. It reached the point where Chenle’s presence alone would send Renjun into fight or flight mode.

Jeno was a wonderful friend, but sometimes he could get rather annoying. In one of their homeroom meetings, Jeno had brought up Chenle as a joke saying that he was whom Renjun should be dreaming of at night to rid himself of his nightmares and this did not go unheard by Heejin who was seated in front of them. “That’s gross! You’re a  _ freshman hunter _ ?”

The shriek had caught the attention of only a few students nearby, but the word had spread like wildfire as expected of a room full of highschool seniors. Even people who Renjun believed had somewhat liked him, began to give him inquisitive glances laced with malicious intent and all the rumors became too much. He’d barely made a name for himself with all his attempts to become even the slightest bit outgoing and now it was tainted, trampled over, and ruined just because of a misunderstanding. Even Jeno, who had defended him to no end, started to fall deaf on his ears until all he could really hear was eerie radio silence and the arguments of his inner thoughts.

Professor Kim had become the voice of reason, reprimanding Heejin properly and also silencing the rest of the classroom, but for some reason the only comment he had clearly heard, came from Jaemin who wouldn’t meet his eye. “Some people talk too much when they don’t know anything.”

Later that evening, Renjun had received a follow request on Twitter from an unfamiliar user, but a mere glance at the profile let him know that it had belonged to Jaemin.

  
  
  


Renjun’s not sure exactly when he’d developed an urge to become Jaemin’s friend. Access to his twitter account had given him information about the other’s hobbies that he wouldn’t have guessed otherwise. Jaemin’s display picture was a tad bit blurry and his features were hard to make out since the photo had been darkened to match some standard of aesthetics. On the bottom right of the photo was a cartoon character Renjun didn’t recognize. She was blonde, sported a winter hat, and Renjun could tell from the uneven edges that Jaemin had edited it on photoshop or picsart. 

And so the hunt for the mystery girl began. 

It was relatively short since Renjun, who now became quite  _ active _ on Twitter as Jeno had pointed out with a snicker one night, soon learned that most of Jaemin’s rare tweets consisted of mobile game screenshots.

It’s far from subtle, how Renjun suddenly begins to tweet about Mobile Legends as if he’s an avid player. His attempts are however futile, until one day Taeyong and Doyoung, both upperclassman he’d grown close to because they’d been friends with Sicheng (his guide in elementary school), invite him to play  _ another  _ game and to his surprise, the person he doesn’t recognize in the lobby is no other than Jaemin.

Renjun thanks the  _ Heavens _ that Taeyong has forced him to play PUBG more times than he can remember because he’s gotten a little bit good at the game, if he’s allowed to brag, and doesn’t completely embarrass himself in front of Jaemin. In fact, it goes a little better than planned because Jaemin messages him a while after they game asking if he wants to try Mobile Legends with him.

_ Yes,  _ Renjun wants to reply, but he knows that’s too easy and doesn’t fit their dynamic at all. Instead, he makes a teasing remark about Jaemin’s username and how it sounds so childish. Much to his surprise, Jaemin changes it, and to that Renjun simply makes another teasing remark. “I don’t want to play with you anymore,” Jaemin replies, but they both know that’s not true.

  
  
  


Becoming friends with Jaemin is hard, Renjun learns. He assumes it was this hard for Jeno to befriend him, however, and refuses to give up. Being an honor student reputes Renjun’s intellect well and it’s evident with how he quickly perfects the little strategics needed to get better in the game that Jaemin obsesses over which now he, too, was infatuated with. The gap between their rankings becomes smaller and smaller until he’s a hair’s breadth away from beating Jaemin.

What better place to brag then on social media?

Renjun learns about Jaemin’s bestfriend that day. His name is Donghyuck and he harbors a lot of Jaemin’s interests and personality traits to the point where if they didn’t look so different, they’d probably be a carbon copy of one another. 

Donghyuck surprises him by replying to his tweet and then shoots him a follow as if it were the most normal thing to do. Renjun wants to ask how he’d found his tweet, but the question never makes its way to the other.

This actually isn't the first time Donghyuck and Renjun have met. It’s funny how small the city of Seoul can be sometimes, despite having such a large population.

A few years ago, Donghyuck and Renjun had been placed in the same fourth grade class. It was only two years after Renjun had moved and therefore his Korean was still broken. Fitting in was hard and required him to not disagree with his ‘friends’ whatsoever. So when they’d sneered at Donghyuck’s science presentation, Renjun faked a laugh as well. They’d gotten off on the wrong foot since then and Renjun, though having apologized some time after, knew ill feelings remained.

Befriending Jaemin became a lot harder after Donghyuck’s existence became noteworthy. Renjun grew more hesitant to approach his class rival and eventually Jaemin seemed a lot more distant and wouldn’t reply to messages as quickly anymore. Renjun had worried aloud to Jeno about Donghyuck still being upset with him and therefore causing Jaemin to be wary around him to which his best friend had scoffed, claiming to ‘see something’ that Renjun couldn’t yet.

Renjun would later ask Jeno to elaborate and Jeno would only laugh at his face to dismiss it.

  
  
  


Renjun had found out about Jaemin’s girlfriend, Aisha, from Professor Kim of all people. During study hours, Renjun would clean the room to fulfill his service credits, but one Thursday afternoon whilst he’s wiping the blackboard diligently, the older man had made a teasing comment that quite literally haunted Renjun for days to come. “I think Jaemin would be good for you, Renjun. I know he’s an.. what do the kid’s call it.. ‘item’? with Aisha, but consider it as an observation from someone who sees the two of you everyday.” Renjun thinks teachers should  _ really _ stop trying to be ‘hip’, but he could only vehemently deny that there had been anything going on between him and Jaemin. He wasn’t even sure Jaemin considered him a  _ friend _ first of all and second of all, Renjun was certainly not a homewrecker. Not that he liked him in the first place, of course.

Two days later, Aisha had come up in a conversation that Renjun and Jaemin were having on Twitter and Renjun learned that they’d broken up. Initially, he felt bad for Jaemin, but another feeling had begun brewing that hadn’t gone unnoticed, simply unidentified. 

  
  
  


“If Jaemin were to ask you out, what would you say?” Taeyong had asked him while they were gaming one night. Renjun had quite literally choked on air at the question and wasn’t sure why he looked around as if anyone had heard the older when he lived alone with his mother and she’d been out working a night shift. His gameplay became sloppy after that and he hated how he stuttered when stating his answer, “He would never do that.”

Taeyong, who seemed thoroughly amused with Renjun’s outburst, went on about how his intuition had never failed him and Renjun, competitive as ever, posed a bet, “If he ends up confessing to me, which I doubt, I’ll buy you dinner.”

Having always been someone who over thought even the littlest of things, Renjun effortlessly kept himself awake that night with his own questions for himself, questions he wanted to call nonsensical, but couldn’t. 

“I think I like him.”

  
  
  


It’s laughable now, how impulsively Renjun had acted upon figuring out his own feelings. After confessing his growing admiration for the pink-haired boy to Taeyong and Jeno, he’d immediately ignored the advice they’d given him and taken matters in his own hands. Distractions came in the form of spending more time on his homework than he needed and simply ‘forgetting’ to reply to Jaemin’s messages so that he wouldn’t grow more attached to his crush.

Jaemin, who was slow at noticing this, would continue to send him messages with insulting nicknames attached at the end of it. Renjun silently thanked him for that, since it was much easier to get over someone who constantly called you ‘midget’ and ‘stupid’. However, as Renjun distanced himself further and further, Jaemin’s messages had slowly changed from, “Where are you, idiot?” to, “I hope you’re doing okay. I miss you.” So Renjun, despite everything in him telling him not to, humored the idea that maybe, just  _ maybe _ Jaemin liked him too.

The last attempt to get over him, anyways, required a flat out rejection by the taller male. Renjun had dreaded this plan the most, but attempts to ignore Jaemin had kept backfiring on him. It only took one message from the latter and his fingers would be itching to grab his phone and reply.

“I don’t know why I like you, but I do,” confessing on Friday afternoon had been a haste decision. Renjun hadn’t thought it through and had Jaemin rejected him, his entire weekend would’ve been spoiled, but  _ somehow _ Jaemin had accepted it without a second thought. 

They took it slow. Aisha was still an open wound and Jaemin’s friends seemed to have eyes every corner they turned. Later on, Renjun would discover that Jaemin and Donghyuck had been doing their best to shield him from the spiteful rumors Yiren had been spreading to tear him down and that she’d also been responsible behind the anonymous hate letters left in his locker. Forgiveness came easily for Renjun, knowing Yiren was probably looking out for Aisha, but it was just as easily taken back when he’d found out how she’d tried to turn a majority of Jaemin’s friends against him as well. Luckily enough, Jaehyun, Yukhei, Mina, and the rest of the people in  _ that _ crowd seemed to have more sense than her.

Jaemin had also introduced him to friends he probably wouldn’t have made had they not begun seeing each other. Donghyuck and Renjun put their past behind him, Chungha took Renjun under her wing when he signed up for dance club, and even Professor Kim seemed to be more lenient with his grading after Jaemin had spoken to him about Renjun’s hardworking persona. Meeting new faces became easier and insecurities about his Korean slowly faded with the praise that everyone bathed him in.

“Technically,  _ I _ confessed. I don’t owe you dinner,” Renjun had gleefully claimed the next time Taeyong had invited him to game. 

  
  
  


They hadn’t named themselves anything in the beginning but Renjun hadn’t minded. Just the comfort of knowing Jaemin was his at the end of the day and that he was allowed to do things with him that the others couldn’t was enough. Thoughts of their secretive kisses between classes and whispered promises of tomorrow often lulled him to sleep when the soft breathing from Jaemin who’d fallen asleep on facetime didn’t.

Days turned into weeks and weeks turned themselves into a month. On the twenty fourth of November, Jaemin had formally asked him to be his boyfriend through a ‘secret admirer’ letter, as if he expected Renjun not to be able to tell who he was despite having very distinctive handwriting. 

Happy was an understatement— _ ecstatic _ was an understatement—being with Jaemin brought him indescribable joy. From the sweet nothings Jaemin never failed to greet him with every morning to the competitive bickering when they’d played games together until ultimately Jaemin would concede and bask Renjun in compliments to the late night podcasts they’d listen to, relaxing silently in the calming ambience together, nothing was less than perfect when it came to Jaemin.

  
  
  


Along with school, Jaemin worked at a nearby convenience store to be able to pay for certain expenses his parents couldn’t cover. Missing him became a feeling Renjun couldn’t go a day without experiencing and he’d end up counting down the minutes until Jaemin would be off his shift or even simply on break. Days they had simply to themselves became rare, but they made it work. Renjun would cut down gaming with Taeyong to be able to wake up in time to talk to Jaemin on the phone before sending him off to work and Jaemin would try his best to make Renjun time despite his hectic schedules even if it meant risking his job by texting him during shifts.

That’s not to say they didn’t have their disagreements, because they did. The first time they failed to see eye to eye was when Jaemin had grown dangerously jealous of Yangyang, one of Renjun’s childhood friends that had come to visit him for two weeks. Jaemin’s insecurities had refused to let him believe Renjun’s words of reassurance and Renjun watched the relationship between his boyfriend and his friend deteriorate until Yangyang had ultimately felt uncomfortable and lessened conversing with either of them whilst the three of them were together. 

The second time they disputed was over Yangyang again, but this time Renjun had brought up how Yangyang would harmlessly flirt with him and Jaemin, though having learnt his jealousy was unreasonable, had been hurt by hearing some of the things that Yangyang directed towards Renjun as if he were his boyfriend and not Jaemin.

While they’d often narrowly avoid full blown arguments, the stress had built up over time until finally Renjun—fed up with Jaemin hiding how he felt and keeping his  _ own _ insecurities to himself—had scheduled a day for them to just sit and take turns talking and listening about how they’d been feeling. Renjun remembers Jaemin’s reluctance, the nervousness as he’d opened up about his thoughts, and how prior to doing so he’d made Renjun promise they’d be alright no matter what was said. That they were there—in that moment—to fix things, not to break them.

  
  
  


Winter break arrived quicker than either of them had prepared for and with a sudden surplus of time to spend together came a lot of awkward conversations of going on proper first dates and in the end opting for nights spent inside gaming together and smothering one another with kisses and hugs, directly out of every romance themed movies in existence.

Eventually their first ‘date’ would end up taking place at Renjun’s house where they’d played games for a few hours and then watched a horror movie together, falling asleep right after the ending credits rolled in. Renjun had woken up to Jaemin babying him over how adorable he had been acting brave in front of Jaemin whilst watching the film and therefore proceeded to tackle the younger with pillows.

  
  
  


Around this time, Renjun’s mother had begun to notice the significant decrease in his time spent studying and doing other educationally beneficial activities. It had prompted  _ the _ talk, the one about his plans for the future, the one that Renjun had been adamantly chasing away for the longest time.

Questions were raised that Renjun hadn’t wanted to think about for years and years to come because when he looked, when he actually laid in bed and closed his eyes and pictured himself in five, ten, fifteen years from now, he saw nothing. He imagined himself in different scenarios countless of times: veterinarian, army soldier, writer, political activist, lawyer, and—the one he’d ended up telling everyone— _ neurosurgeon. _ They all seemed interesting, but nothing he’d be happy pursuing. Happiness, he’d realized then, only came in the form of Jaemin and that dependency, Renjun began to reason, would only be burdensome on anyone.

And he’d begun to spiral downwards, sinking himself into those vengeance seeking embraces of the demons he’d shut out unknowingly upon meeting Jaemin.

Medications he’d never taken to avoid showing weakness would taunt him each time he passed by them stacked neatly on his desk, no longer trophies of strength but now reminders of failure. Then, one of the nights his mom has been away for a business trip, he’d flushed the contents of the bottles down the drain. 

Like always, Jaemin didn’t take long to see through Renjun’s facades, but Renjun had learned to make excuses for his behavior that would satiate Jaemin’s worried prodding without having to approach the real problem at hand. His conditions weren’t unknown to Jaemin, of course, but Jaemin had helped him forget about them and in the process they’d wordlessly convinced each other that he was alright. That everything was alright.

  
  
  


“I’m sorry I’m making you upset all the time,” came Jaemin’s exasperated apology amid one of Renjun’s severe mood swings and Renjun, who’d probably faced more difficulties than he could count, had never been hit harder than at that moment. Because no, Jaemin was not the reason he was upset all the time at all, but he would hardly ever be honest with the boy and now he saw that it was taking a toll on him too. It was crystal clear that each time Renjun believed he’d been evading problems in their relationships by hiding how he felt, he’d only been heightening Jaemin’s own insecurities. He’d left Jaemin with the same monsters the boy had helped him chase out.

Renjun had wanted to say something, anything, about how he’d been feeling but he’d opted for claiming that it wasn’t Jaemin’s fault but his own. It was the truth, but not the entirety of it. He’d expected Jaemin to shut him out, to be fed up with all his beating around the bush, and a part of him wished Jaemin had done so because perhaps it would’ve been much easier for the both of them that way; but Jaemin had only exhaled deeply and brought Renjun back into his embrace. When they’d woken up the next morning, Jaemin had greeted Renjun with the same smile he always harbored and last night became another one of the topics they’d never discuss.

And Renjun knows as he watches Jaemin prepare breakfast for them—french toast, the only thing Jaemin  _ could _ cook, but Renjun would never be able to say anything since he was a disaster in the kitchen—that Jaemin’s self-doubt was still diligently eating away at him and that at the root of it was his name, Renjun’s name. That the boy he so desperately loved and wanted to keep out of harm’s way was hurting and it was  _ his _ fault.

  
  
  


The last straw had been when Renjun realized he could never be for Jaemin what Jaemin was for him. He could never be that pillar Jaemin needed when his nights were dark, could never be the person Jaemin would curl up beside when he needed reassurance, could never be the boyfriend—the perfect boyfriend—Jaemin deserved.

“It was enjoyable for you,” Jaemin muttered in passing when they’d spoken about how Renjun had ‘babied’ him during a small interim of their relationship to prove that he could be relied on as well. Renjun knows that Jaemin hadn’t meant for it to sound bitter, but with his irritable habit of overthinking and the insecurities that would infiltrate each and every train of thought of his, how else could Renjun have reacted than unreasonably throwing a fit and thinking tears would justify the attitude he’d given Jaemin who’d apologized for something that didn’t need an apology.

Jaemin had disappeared for a few hours after that and Renjun, haste as ever, had decided that perhaps this was the opportunity ‘God’ was granting him to leave Jaemin’s life before he made things worse for him and he took it.

Blocking Jaemin’s number and Twitter account had been relatively easy, since he’d been propelled by the suffocating dares of his subconscious to just  _ rip the bandaid, already.  _ Keeping himself from reaching out to Jaemin shortly after became the problem and even only a few hours after his abrupt choice, Renjun found himself gritting his teeth and doing his hardest to  _ not _ reach out to the other, to keep his toxicity as far away as possible.

  
  
  


In a week, they’d be graduating. In a week, he was expected to move into a small apartment his mother would be renting for him while she moved back to China, since she’d convinced her to let him pursue his studies here.

In a week, though barely an adult, he’d be expected to live like one and prepare for classes that would lead him to his future job, whatever that may be. But Renjun doesn’t feel like waiting another week.

They’re calling for him. They’ve  _ been _ calling for him. The voices in his head have waited for years and years and now, after he finishes this story about him and the boy who has his heart, he would finally be able to silence them.

He asks Jaemin to write them an epilogue; one where they’re happy, one where they’ve finally explained the depths of the love that they’d built in such a short period of time, one where Jaemin continues to bestow him with the gentlest of kisses every day when they meet and when they part.

For the last time, he wishes Jaemin a goodnight and tells him to dream of him, preferably not in a nightmare; preferably where they’re laid out on an open field some time past midnight, watching the stars that make an array across the sky that neither of them can identify.

  
  
  


“Sweet dreams, Renjun.” 

**Author's Note:**

> not proof read, as always...  
> tell me what you think! umm. it's err. yea. angsty... ; ;  
> i've had a lot on my mind and what better way to get it out than to write, right? haha.
> 
> lots of love to renjun, as always!! and my baby jaemin. <3  
> love you guys too. <3
> 
> [ twt. ](https://twitter.com/sookais_)


End file.
